“She’s so twi-hard, it’s painful.”

Just The Facts

  • Too many people take these books too seriously
  • The movie made more money in one night than you will ever make in your life
  • The book made less money than the movie, but still more than you will in your life
  • The main selling point of the movie is male strippers
  • The main selling point of the book is vampires that sparkle
  • The movie made more money than Dark Knight
  • That obviously means that males are becoming a minority

Protagonists

The books tell the story of the vampire Edward Cullen, who is described as an “Adonis” no more than every time the author is able to, and Bella Swan, a “plain” girl who reads “serious” literature like Wuthering Heights because she’s so intelligent. Also, she is much more advanced than the students in the school that she has just moved to, but that’s okay because she makes up for it by being clumsy since every well-developed character needs exactly one (1) flaw.

Stylistic Choices

Stephanie Meyer’s exemplary writing style is demonstrated in this conversation between Edward and narrator Bella:
“Aren’t you hungry?” he asked, distracted.
“No.” I didn’t feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full – full of butterflies.

Origins

The whole romantic vampire notion has been strip mined of any originality by generations of lazy authors and clueless movie producers. But nonetheless Stephanie Meyer is now able to bathe in millions, so she must be doing something right.

“Maybe it’s the way she cleverly combined all the elements of the vampire folklore with engaging writing and an unbelievably awesome plot.” – cracked.com

…Yeah, sure, let’s go with that…

twilight

(Notice I don’t capitalize the title? That is because the title actually isn’t officially capitalized on/in ANY of the books or movies. Thus, when people capitalize it anywhere, you are actually spelling it INCORRECTLY. Basic spelling 101. Take that, twi-hards.)

So what is the plot?

Contrary to any stereotypic melancholy teenage character, ‘plain’ Bella is actually absolutely loved by every one of her new classmates – especially Edward Cullen. Turns out he wanted to eat her, but soon realizes what he’s feeling is really true love. They begin dating and after only a few weeks she realizes that she too loves him and begins begging him to turn her into a vampire, too, so she will never be without him.

Its also noted in the book that Edward has been sneaking into her room at night to watch her sleep. Because that’s perfectly normal.

Edward also has mind-reading powers, which don’t work on Bella – but it’s never explained why. And really, everyone just eventually stops caring any way.

Only a few days after they start dating, Edward reveals to her the true reason vampires cannot go out into sunlight: they sparkle. No, that’s not a metaphor for “bursts into flames”, or “death”, or anything else elaborate. They glitter like lights on a bloody christmas tree. This becomes the turning point in what until now has just been a bad book/movie. Bella, along with likely the whole audience, gasps and swoons as Edward takes off his shirt.

The rest of the book is spent talking about love and feelings and Edward’s rock-hard abs. Kissing cold, marble, statuesque lips is apparently sexy. Allow me again to emphasize how many times “Adonis” is used as descriptive wording.

Three hundred pages after “Oh, you like me too? No way, I thought you hated me!”, the plot arrives late to the party, drunk, in a beat-up ’53 chevy pick-up truck. It drives away about fifty pages later and crashes into a tree, gets sent to the hospital, and is rarely heard from again throughout the course of the series.

new moon

Boy meets girl. Girl falls for boy, boy attempts to deny his true feelings but inevitably falls too for girl. Boy leaves girl because of a paper-cut. Yes, you read it right. But allow me to elaborate. Edward comes from a family of vampires and Bella’s blood is insatiable to them, so a paper-cut made Edward’s foster brother, Jasper, go crazy, so he leaves Bella out in the middle of a forest where she gets lost because apparently she’s an idiot who can’t even tell north from south in her own back yard. So, yes, he leaves her because of a paper cut.

But wait it gets better.

Bella like any normal 18 year old becomes an adrenaline junkie. I mean what else are you supposed to do if your teenage love leaves you?

Somehow, werewolves get involved, Bella almost dies and the rest of the story is basically the script from Romeo and Juliet. We suspect that a hilarious misunderstanding led to the last part of New Moon being accidentally replaced with a Shakespeare collection. Somewhere on Broadway a very confused Romeo is reading Edward the vampire’s lines right now. The stage directions presumably remind him to deliver every line just like a piece of wood would.
This novel thus teaches an important lesson to young girls everywhere:

  • If a guy dumps you and says he doesn’t love you anymore, he doesn’t mean it. All you have to do is beg and destroy your life to prove that you really love him, and he’ll come right back and love you even more!

Okay…so not the greatest plot ever, but it’s the wonderful style in which its written that truly makes the Twilight Saga awesome, right? Let’s look at some quotes from the New Moon book / movie.

  • * “Well, I’m so sorry that I can’t be the right kind of monster for you, Bella. I guess I’m just not as great as a bloodsucker, am I?”

I guess there are no normal boys in Washington and between the Swamp Thing and Wolf Boy, Bella had to settle for the one with less shirt.

  • * “You really, honestly don’t mind that I morph into a giant dog?”

Sure, walking your boyfriend around on a leash seems fun at first, but you always have to carry those doggie poop bags with you.

  • * “You smell just exactly the same as always. So maybe this is hell. I don’t care. I’ll take it.”

I guess girls smell like hell? This at least explains why Edward leaves earlier in the book, he couldn’t put up with Bella’s foul odor.

  • * “Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars – points of light and reason … And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.”

Excuse me while I puke my guts out.

So what in Cthulhu’s name makes this series sell like the cure for cancer?

Half naked teenage boys…

eclipse

The plot revolves around a villain from the first book, who is stalking Bella. However, this is just a background to reflect the true plot, which is about Edward stalking Bella. The book really focuses on Bella’s choice between Edward Cullen and Jacob Black – two tall, good looking, devoted men with cool supernatural abilities. This is exactly the kind of problem normal women face everyday.

Halfway through, Stephenie Meyer realizes that Jacob Black is far cooler than Edward and performs a quick character assassination by having him mouth-rape her. Bella punches him and runs away, but later discovers she loves him, which teaches us more lessons:

  • 1) If a girl says she doesn’t love you, just keep sexually assaulting her. Eventually she’ll realize she likes it.
  • 2) Leading two guys on for years because you ‘love them both’ is perfectly acceptable, as long as you feel really bad about it at some point.

All through this we learn more about more secondary characters, who like Alice and Jacob are far more interesting than either Edward or Bella. These include:

  • 1) Edward’s sister Rosalie, who performed a massacre that sounds like Kill Bill – with vampires!
  • 2) Edward’s brother Jasper, who is old enough to have fought for the South, and used to take part in vampire turf wars!

Normal Vampire Turf Wars:

‘twilight’ Vampire Turf Wars:

Unfortunately, we only get about five pages each on these guys. This gives us more space for Bella and Edward to stare into each others’ eyes and quote from Wuthering Heights, in a good example of the old ‘mask the inadequacies of your own work by quoting from someone who could actually write’ method.

Also, Bella thinks about vampires some more.
“It was childish, but I liked the idea that his lips would be the last good thing I would feel. Even more embarrassingly, something I would never say aloud, I wanted his venom to poison my system.”

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Bella Swan: eighteen and already looking forward to death, she is the perfect role model for your young teenage girl. After an unintentionally hilarious end battle Bella and Edward decide to get married, bringing us to the end of yet another 700 pages without any fucking.

lots of credit to cracked.com

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